What to REALLY Expect When You’re Expecting: Pregnancy Sucks ASS!

December 14, 2013 — 50 Comments

pregnant

“I loved being pregnant!”

Women who say this are lying.

I know couples stretch medical intervention as far as it can go just to have a child. I do not want to minimize this.

But my pregnancy offered me such state-of-the-art suckage that I think mothers all over the globe have made a pact to say they “loved being pregnant,” so women won’t be afraid to get dragged into this mess.

It’s a LIE, along with “size doesn’t matter” (sorry, but you can’t make butter with a toothpick) and “you’ll look back at this and laugh” (no, I’ll block this out with as much alcohol as I can).

First trimester of the parasite incubation: I threw up constantly.

What perverse human being named it “morning sickness,” when I horked constantly?

It’s like being savagely hung over all the time, minus the fun of having been stupid drunk enough to flirt inappropriately with your husband’s best friend all night.

The smell of anything made me ill. Particularly cooked food. If my husband tried to cook I would growl like Quasimodo “me sick no you smell up house blechhhhhhh grrrghhhh”

quasimodo

 

The only thing that made me feel better was bread. Fuck salad and grilled fish.

Pass me a loaf of Italian bread. That’s right, I said the whole loaf.

I wasn’t allowed to work out in my first trimester. I was a “high risk” pregnancy. Between that, and the carb orgy, I gained 20 pounds in a half hour. I was a beached whale, a nauseous, farting, beached whale.

And I had narcolepsy. It reminded me of the old days, when I was incredibly stoned, and I would just pass out in the middle of a  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Second trimester. The morning sickness faded. The euphoria kicked in. Mother Nature’s little way of tricking you into thinking you’re not about to ruin your whole life, drain your bank account and give up your dreams.

My skin glowed, my hair looked A-MAZING. I started exercising again.

My boobs grew.

Can we just talk about this for a minute?

I’ve been on the low-end of the alphabet my whole life. And then all of a sudden, WOWZA! My tits got huge! Like, double D ginormous! And round and high to the point of looking fake.

Stripper quality breasts. Hot damn!

My libido went into overdrive. Nobody warned me about THIS.

I craved sex as much as I craved food. My second trimester was happy happy time.  Such irony. The sex drive of a nympho stuffed into the body of a manatee.

I was delirious enough to ask for a pregnancy photo shoot for my birthday. With nudes. Such is the power of the second trimester lunacy. You think you look HOT.

And my energy level – it rivaled that of a meth addict! I nested! I fixed the whole house up!  I cleaned out every closet. Reorganized every room. Fixed up the nursery.

It spiraled out of control. I removed the shower doors and took them out for a real scouring.

I scrubbed the inside of the washing machine, declaring it not clean enough for the baby’s clothes. I cleaned toilet bowls with a toothbrush.

Wait - is this my husband's toothbrush? oopsie

Wait – is this my husband’s toothbrush? oopsie

 

The nesting and euphoria was short-lived. By the third trimester, I was miserable.

It was August and I was ferociously hot all the time. Even with the air conditioning on full blast I sweated like a Miami hooker.

It was a hot, hot summer. I did not do my third trimester in style.

I waddled around in Naturalizer sandals, an oversized tee-shirt and my husband’s boxer shorts. I gained a LOT of weight. A lot. None of your business.

To this day, when women tell me “I only gained 18 pounds when I was pregnant” I hyperventilate. FUCK them. What were they carrying, crack babies?

 

Meanwhile, the Rockettes had taken up residence in my uterus.

We never got to the sweet little “feel it here, honey, he’s kicking” stage. No – Mondo the Donkey gave me kicks to the cervix that sent electric fireballs to my vagina.

We’d be watching television, and my stomach would suddenly distort. I felt like Ellen Ripley in “Alien 3.”

“WHAT was that?” my husband would ask, in horror.

“Ow, owwwww, that’s your son, roundhouse kicking me in the uterus, dumb ass!”

 

Then, there was the whole “he’s right next to my bladder” thing. Break out the Depends. And you thought they were just for old people. Nobody likes someone who smells like urine, unless they’ve hired you off of Craig’s list.

I couldn’t even see anything below my stomach. I was rocking the whole 70’s porn star look, I suppose. God only knows what my ungroomed hoo-ha must have looked like. And only God knew, because by my third trimester, no one was looking. Definitely not my husband.

He wasn’t one of those “you’re beautiful even in your 8th month” kind of dudes. He was more like, “umm, call me when you get your tight little pre-baby body back.” Asshole.

Then again, the only one who’d get a hard-on looking at me in my third trimester was Shamu at Sea World.

"Samara, baby, you are so effing hot 9 months pregnant"

“Samara, baby, you are so effing hot 9 months pregnant”

 

Sleep now became impossible. I was exhausted, but there was no way to get comfortable.

Now I was a narcoleptic meth amphetamine addict. Most nights, I ended up in the rocker recliner in the nursery.

Woke up 50 times a night wondering, why can’t I feel my legs? Was I having a stroke? I thought that only happened years later, when your kids are teenagers.

And as the countdown to lift-off draws closer, the absurdities of pregnancy come thick and fast.

My feet got a starring role in “Shrek’s Cankle’s,  the Sequel.”

except mine looked worse

except mine looked worse

 

I lost the ability to think. I would find myself in rooms of the house and not have a clue why I was there.

People gave me the weirdest name suggestions. No. “Apple ” is not a name for anything except a fruit.

You BITCH! You named me "#Hashtag?"

You BITCH! You named me “#Hashtag?”

 

People suggested I take videos of the birth.

When would I show that? Thanksgiving dinner? “Pass the pumpkin pie, here’s where I push something the size of a cat out of my punani?”

Little Dude is ten, and even though he’s a walking advertisement for birth control, I’m delighted I had him.

I’ve finally forgiven him the trauma of my pregnancy. Just last night he came in my room at 3 am – he had a bad dream.

“Mama, do you know that googol is a number?”

“Shh. I”m sleeping.”

“No, you were writing. You turned off the light when I came in. Which is bigger, googol or infinity?”

“it’s 3 am. Go to sleep.”

“Googol isn’t spelled like the website, you know.”

I did know.

And then, we talked about googol versus infinity.

Infinity goes on forever.

His childhood does not, which is why we cuddled and talked in the dark until 4:30 in the morning.

Enhanced by Zemanta
Advertisements

50 responses to What to REALLY Expect When You’re Expecting: Pregnancy Sucks ASS!

  1. 

    Oh lord… I picked a good one to come back to… I feel like I really know you now. It took me more than a year to pass on this much personal info on my blog… but hey, at least you get a baby out of the deal. Babies rock!

    • 

      Oh. My. God. You’re here. In the cyber flesh. Welcome.

      Thank you for taking the time to visit. I know you have a lot on your plate, you rock star.

      I didn’t much like Little Dude as a baby, but I adore him now.

      Now walk those size 15 feet outta here before you break something.

  2. 

    No wonder my ex’s silently resented me for years after… no just kidding..

  3. 

    So beautiful and funny at the same time!

  4. 

    I did love my pregnancies! i was huge, swollen, sweaty and gross but pregnancy hormones take away all my anxiety. and i loved watching my belly warp.
    But I agree its not glamorous and anyone who makes it it look that way should be shunned by society and made to wear large sacks.
    I love the note you ended this on very very true.

    • 

      You did love being pregnant? For real??? I did not get the happy hormones. I got the “get this thing out of me” hormones.” Also, the “I hate you for knocking me up and now you can sleep comfortably and and I can’t” hormones.

      But all the celebs look amazing pregnant. And even the day they give birth.
      And my kid was so worth it. Even the horrific delivery, which is another post and is coming soon!

  5. 

    Right before my wife had her first baby, my brother-in-law took me aside and said, “Whatever you do, DON’T LOOK AT THE PLACENTA!” It’s probably the best advice I’ve ever been given. During the delivery, I was whispering encouragement to my wife. She turned her head towards me, looked at me and said, “Will you please SHUT UP?! JUST SHUT UP!” Then she cursed. It’s a damn good thing that the procreation of the species isn’t left up to us dudes. The human race wouldn’t survive.

    • 

      You are too funny!! You need to save all your comments and write a book! Your comments are funnier than some people’s posts!

      I haven’t posted about my delivery. It was extra special horrific.

      I guess you didn’t look at the placenta?

      • 

        No, mam, I did not look at it. Either time. My understanding is that some people not only look at it that the actually do weird things with it, like bury it in the garden or, more horrifically, EAT IT. What is WRONG with humanity!

      • 

        That’s disgusting!

        You’re making me laugh today, and that is no small feat. Thank you.

      • 

        As always, no charge for services rendered. Here’s a knock-knock joke to cheer you up.

        Knock-knock.

        Who’s there?

        Little old lady.

        Little old lady who?

        I didn’t know you could yodel!

        Tip your waitress, please.

      • 

        Bwahahaha, that was the best knock knock joke I’ve heard in a long time.

        Cimmy says it’s old, but we nevertheless thought it was a goodie (yes, I told it out loud).

  6. 

    My mom was one of those women who was blissfully happy when pregnant. Swollen, physically limited, and many times in hospital rooms for weeks on end– but I know her happy eyes enough to know that she was happy. Just in case the constantly whistling and smiling didn’t tell you. I’m kid #3, and she had 3 more after me… and each one was the same– 9ish months of the most smiley, glowingly happy woman alive. It’s all about whether or not you get the dose of the happy hormones or not, I think. 🙂

    I love that the kid is interested in googol. It’s a good sign, I think. 🙂

    • 

      Indeed. Did you tell him infinity was more than googol, samara?

      I can’t confirm this, but supposedly, the number “googol” was named by a kid…. the mathematician who discovered it asked a young boy what to call it or something like that. I’ll have to do some research to be sure.

      • 

        Jaklumen, you smarty pants – I did! Because you’re right, Infinity is larger, in that it goes on forever. But it’s not a number; It’s pure concept; not for anything quantifiable.
        Googol is the the largest number; it’s “1” followed by 100 zeroes. Little Dude loves that stuff. And his Mama is a huge nerd, so we’re a perfect match.

        And yes, there are varying stories of its origins, but the one you’re referring to is the one of mathematician Edward Kasner asking his precocious 8 year old nephew what he would name a number that big.

      • 

        Ha, who’s the smarty pants now? Oh yeah, you!

    • 

      My mom loved being pregnant, too! She had six of us!! I can’t imagine that! As soon as we were a few months old, she and my dad would get back in the saddle, and she’d be pregnant again!

      Little Dude is interested in knowledge. I just read him a bunch of blog posts before he went to bed. He LOVES them. True story.

  7. 

    Cimmy says she enjoyed being pregnant, but delivery of our two kiddos was not so fun. First was NO drugs save pitocin (Princess) and the second was caesarean (Boy). And I was 100% there for both… snipped the umbilical cords, saw the placentas, saw both of ’em come out (didn’t see the full gore with Boy– it was enough to see my wife’s abdomen look like prime rib).

    • 

      You’re a brave man. Even looked at the placenta? You should have a talk with Mark (Exile). He needs to man up, in case they have a third!

      My delivery story is soon to be posted. I also had no pain meds, and was on full throttle Pitocin. Liquid Hell, I call it. Eegads.

      • 

        Cimmy says, “Liquid hell is a good name for it.”
        (I think she needs to start reading your blog!)

      • 

        I would be honored.

        Pitocin sucks.

      • 

        Your wish is granted.
        I read this in jak’s blog reader initially. I haven’t joined a new blog for a while and now I’ve joined like six in the last hour or so. Anyway, I enjoyed being pregnant and also didn’t. Giving birth was totally another story. If I could have done the pregancy without the birth part, I would have, in a heartbeat. Then again, there was also the sleeplessness. The inability to sleep on my back because baby keeps killing the blood supply to my feet (both babies), and also the time when I tripped and landed on my belly. I was so worried that I’d lose her then and there. Didn’t happen, but it was rough. As for the second one. Boy’s head was HUGE! We had a planned Caesarean and, because my back is curved funny, when they went to put in the epidural block, they kept jabbing me in the bones instead of between them and I would scream. LOUDLY! Jak, poor guy, was waiting outside and I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his head. Finally, the nurse had the guts to ask if I couldn’t bend a little more. Ooh, I was so tempted to turn to her and start cursing a blue streak. “Um, no I can’t f*@%ing bend any further, I have this f*@%ing watermelon in my lap right now!” I didn’t say it but I was SO tempted.

      • 

        Oh my gosh, Cimmorene, is it really you?? In the cyber flesh? Welcome! Would you like some coffee? I’m having mine now. And trying to get my son ready for school.What a project that is.

        You SHOULD have cursed the nurse! Giving birth is the one time when you get to curse everybody!!

        You just inspired me- I am going to write a post on my delivery – longest labor at my hospital EVER. I broke the record. It was awful – I’m just THAT lucky!!

  8. 

    Alright, I am one of those bitches that says she had a wonderful pregnancy. And aside from the monster swollen feet, yeast infection during a bridezilla’s wedding, and everyone giving me unsolicited advice on birth and parenting and baby names, it was a good time for me. I never felt so zen in my life. It took all my anxiety away. I didn’t have to suck in my gut. And I craved citrus fruits so I didn’t gain too much weight, although I did NOT leave the hospital in my before-pregnancy clothes. A month after my son was born, I was holding him in my arms in an elevator when a woman actually asked me when I was due.

    • 

      et tu, brute? hahaha! I guess I’m the only one who had the WORST pregnancy. Citrus fruits? Hmmm. After the first trimester bread orgy, I craved rice and beans, plantains, lots of Spanish food – The Ex swore one of my ex boyfriends had knocked me up haha!! And yes, bitch, it took me 10 months to lose the baby weight. I love you anyway. You so pretty, I can’t help myself!

  9. 

    By the way, this story was both hilarious and heartfelt. Kick-ass as usual! : )

  10. 

    I was going to save this post for tomorrow, but in light of this post, I published it today:
    A 10-year Blogging Journey: Death, before Life

  11. 

    I’m so glad you found my blog and that our paths have crossed here. Great post. I look forward to reading many more.

  12. 

    My pregnancy sounds almost exactly like yours except for two things:
    1.) I never had morning sickness, I just had constant diabolical heart burn that sometimes actually had me convinced that it was a heart ATTACK.
    2.) I did not crave bread, I craved chocolate milkshakes, and you bet your ass I set the baby daddy out in the middle of the night to buy me a blender so I could make them.

    • 

      Is it wrong that I want to say, HURRAY, some one else had a god awful pregnancy?

      Heart burn – I’ll bet that was the WORST. Poor baby.

      And yes, that is what the baby daddy is for. Drive ten miles to an open Taco Bell, and rub my feet. Yes, my ugly Shrek feet. You did this to me, Big Daddy. It was all fun and games when we played hide the salami. Now get the damn tacos!

  13. 

    “you’ll look back at this and laugh” (no, I’ll block this out with as much alcohol as I can)… so true about a lot of things! Or maybe a lot of things is just me. 😉

    • 

      Hi Jolie!! So glad you’re here! And that you took the time to read, and to comment.

      No, you’re not the only one. Some things you never forget. And even if you want to, your friends never let you!

  14. 

    Even though I did struggle with infertility for years, I still didn’t like being pregnant. Well, I enjoyed giving myself permission to eat three chocolate shakes a day. Oh, and I really enjoyed having porn star boobs for once. But what they don’t tell you is those boobs will deflate down to your knees like sad balloons.

    I think the worst thing hands down was my daughter took residence up on top of my lungs so I couldn’t breathe for about two months. I’m claustrophobic anyway and it was like I was being smothered 24/7. Near the end I was begging the doctor, “Just get her out of me!”

    • 

      Oh, jeez, Darla, that’s why I hesitate to bash my pregnancy. Cause I know how hard it was for some women to get pregnant. That sucks.

      But the porn star boobs – cool right? Even though, we all know what happens to balloons when the party’s over. My once small but perky boobs are now…not so much. Breast feeding did a number on them.

      I know the “get him out of me” refrain. I’m going to do a post about my delivery. 38 hours of labor. Let’s both do one, and we can compare horror stories!! But you know how worth it they are in the end 🙂

      • 

        Oh, I still think it’s fine to not like pregnancy, even if you’ve been struggling. I didn’t enjoy much of it, except maybe the second trimester after the morning sickness went away.

        You beat me with labor. I was in labor 25 hours, 3 and a half hours of pushing, then an emergency C-section (he was facing the wrong way, sunny-side up so grueling back labor) But my second birth was easy, repeat c/s.

      • 

        OMG, back labor is supposed to be agony! So many of my friends went through that. But I know the C story – have you posted about labor/delivery?Maybe we should organize a whole lilith labor/delivery round robin blog where we can all post and the worst story wins a prize – maybe gets her tubes tied? Wait – you pushed 3 1/2 hours? Warrior! No one is supposed to do that! I never got to that – that’s why I want to write about it.Never even dilated.

        Second trimesters are the best. I thought I was a little preggo goddess.Ha.

      • 

        I am not kidding when I say I was begging to die at one point. Long story but he got “stuck”. They even had to wrestle him out during my c/s. I have never felt pain like that before or since (and I’ve had five abdominal surgeries!)

      • 

        I was ready to let them send a team of midgets into my uterus to dilate it – so I think we must consider doing a group childbirth post in 2014. Think about it. Let the readers decide which post best works as birth control.

  15. 

    OMGFH – My first nearly killed me and I was dumb enough to have a second. In case you want to compare horror stories – https://wasthatmyoutloudvoice.com/2015/03/16/oh-i-had-a-birth-plan/

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. Lesson 4: Read all about it! | Cabernet and Breastmilk - January 10, 2014

    […] What to REALLY Expect When You’re Expecting: Pregnancy Sucks ASS! […]

  2. That Magical Time I Broke The Hospital’s Record For Longest Labor Ever « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - February 10, 2014

    […] stimulation (Three HOURS a DAY to release oxytocin. As lovely as it was that my now gargantuan breasts had eclipsed Playboy and gone to National Geographic status, I did not have all day to spend copping a feel on […]

  3. Greetings From the Pain Abyss « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - June 6, 2015

    […] I haven’t needed dental work since I was pregnant with Little Dude. He was sucking all the calcium out of my body, along with all essential macronutrients and my life force and sanity. I loathed being pregnant. […]

When I see the orange light, I have a BLOGASM...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s